Words by Seyi Matthews | @Seyinoir Photo: © Shutterstock

Oh the joys of being gay today. It’s a never-ending rollercoaster of emotions and experiences. A ton of sexual excitement, a hint of night life predictability, so much health information at our finger-tips and sadly – quite a bit of racism. 


I cannot count the number of times a white gay man has messaged me on apps with openers like “I’d like to drain your big black cock” – which makes my skin shudder. It’s a race-driven culture speared on by typical interracial gay porn (BBC thug top takes on skinny white twink), race play (a progressively accepted form of sexual role play) and ultimately, cultural ignorance. Also, who told you I have a big dick? Because it’s news to me. 

Now, if you’re into things like race play, more power to you, just make sure whoever you’re doing it with has a mutual understanding and acceptance. Because I am not a fetish, so do not treat me like one. I am not seeking your admiration or validation; I do not need that. I am demanding your respect. 

Respect the fact that I am a human being with the same/similar wants and needs. Being treated like a tool for sexually driven fantasies, and being cast out by a group of people who are supposed to share the same struggles as me doesn’t cut it. You can do better. 

If you’re reading this feeling guilty or apathetic, it would be nice if you took action by reading and understanding why some of the things you may say (or not say for that matter) to other races (we’re focusing on black guys here) can be annoying and problematic.

“I love black guys”

Saying “I love black guys” is all well and good, but what do you like about us? Do you like every single one of us? Is dating you going to be an issue because you’ll be attracted to every black guy that walks by? We have 54 African nations, several which differ greatly in culture. Then we have the Caribbean’s and other African Diaspora countries like Brazil and the US; the only thing we have in common is our assortment of brown skin shades. If you had said “there’s something about darker skin that drives me crazy”, you may have maintained my attention. 

“I like black culture” 

What the hell is black culture? You’ve been watching Empire and listening to 50 Cent haven’t you? If you had said “I’m mostly into African American film and TV, as well as old school R&B and hip hop, with a bit of blues and soul”, I’d be intrigued. I mean, we’re not all into it, but it’s a great way to show some intelligence. It isn’t black culture, but a part of it. 

“Is it true what they say about black guys?”

I don’t know, what do they say?

“…that you have big dicks.” 

You know, I’m not sure, I haven’t seen them all. Let me know when you find out though. Just don’t ask this shit. You can ask me - the individual - about my penis size, but I am not an ambassador for the black penis. Leave it out.

“BBC?”

No. Just no. Personally, I cannot stand the word ‘cock’ but that’s the least of my annoyances with this acronym. It’s so racially driven, stereotypical and demeaning. Because for those of us who are not sporting inhumanly large mandingos – we’re suddenly ‘useless’ or undesirable. Once you’ve established what both parties want and/or are into, throw it in there if applicable, otherwise don’t. 

“I’m into black guys because of their big lips, big shoulders and big noses”

This was said to me on a date once, after the whole ‘what’s your type’ question. In what universe, would that land you my affection? Choose your words wisely fellas. You can say you’re into ‘big/full lips’ and broad shoulders, but don’t racially stereotype us all just because you’ve met a hundred black guys who fit that description. Oddly enough, the guy had a much bigger nose than I did. 

“Do you like white guys?” 

This one is an innocent one, because I’ve often seen black guys with things like “black/mixed only” on their profiles. So the speculation is somewhat understandable. My advice, just shoot your shot without the silly questions. If you get rejected, so what – if he says something silly like “not into white guys” – he’s a tool, don’t waste your time.

“I like street, thug tops with big dicks” 

OK, so why are you here? This one is funny, because black masculinity all of sudden equates to dominant and assertive. If you’re into ghetto, dominating thugs, find one. Don’t assume we’re all like that.

“I love my ‘n-words’, but I’m not racist” 

This was said to me on an app. I am not an n-word. I am not your n-word. I am nobody’s n-word. Don’t use that word towards or around me.

“I’m not usually into black guys, but you’re hot”

Thanks? This backhanded compliment does nothing for me. You’re trying to make me feel good about myself by shooting down something about me? My skin? How does that work? If you’re into me, let me know, don’t make it about my race all the time. Jesus.

“I’ve never been with a black guy before” 

What’s the difference? We’re not some alien species with magical sexual powers, you know. After hearing this, I sure as hell won’t be the one to change your lack of black guy experiences.

“F*ck you n-word”

The number of times I’ve received this message after turning down an advancement. Butt hurt, racist trolls with no decorum. Stay mad.

One of the biggest issues in response to race relations is that many seem to believe it’s seeking white validation. No sir. You have completely missed the point about combatting racism in the gay community. No one is asking anyone to be into them. We just want unity and respect. No more racial stereotypes or racist/fetish-related experiences. If you’re not into someone, let the individual know.

For those who are unaware of the definition: “showing or feeling discrimination or prejudice against people of other races, or believing that a particular race is superior to another.” By dismissing an entire group of people, based solely on their race, and putting whatever attribute – albeit physical or cultural – below your own/your desired race, you are being racist. Deny it all you want, but you cannot choose to redefine a word as you please. At the end of the day, don’t expect me to fight for any gay rights when white gays treat me a certain way. No ma’am.

Interracial love is just as wonderful as any other kind of love; but what makes it special is that it takes us one step away from racism; hypothetically. The more we see it, the more we learn to accept, so I’m all for it when it’s a natural bond. Don’t be deterred – this is not a personal attack, just an attack on those who display such ignorance. Date whoever you want – just don’t make others feel like crap in the process. Don’t be afraid to call me black, I am black - just don’t let my blackness define our relations.  


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